Cawabunga

Two 50's girls in the 90's

All Allisons have dirty blonde hair, stick-straight and shoulder-length.  They make lanyards and friendship bracelets and chain-read "The Babysitters Club."  This is a fact.  And all Staceys, Chelsea says, are a little bit older, have braces and boyfriends, and wear scrunchies. 

I say "peanuts" a lot because it sounds like "penis," and it's so funny and everyone laughs.  When Chelsea says it, she gets in trouble.

Chelsea and I collect stickers and our favorites are the oily ones.  And Pogs too, except we don't play pogs, we just collect the slammers.  Chelsea notes that for two weeks during the Summer of '94, jacks make a comeback.

Playground bullies named Kimberly with pigtails and spandex shorts befriend me.  I'm not sure why, but playground bullies always like me.  And why are all playground bullies named Kimberly, and bigger than everybody else?  But, I'm small and puny and don't speak much in the classroom.  I chase boys around the school yard and I watch too much Power Rangers for my own good and, like every other girl on the playground, I'm the Pink Ranger.  I like all the boy Rangers, especially Tommy because he has a ponytail.  My first kiss is caught on our VHS video camera, during my 4th birthday party.  His name is Alex and he always wears a pirate hat.  I'm eating pizza when he kisses me.

HeartThrob is our favorite game, although I'm pretty sure we never play it correctly because we never actually use the board.  We just look at the cardboard photos of, as the game alludes, 90's heartthrobs: there's Chad (I like him because he plays frisbee with his dog) and there's Chip (Chelsea likes him because he plays football and has a nice smile).  Our babysitter likes the muscle guy, who Chelsea says looks like a Brad, but he's not our type.

Chelsea has the hots for Macauley Culkin in Home Alone 2, "a big fan" she says, and JTT is a dreamboat and so is that boy from the Sandlot. 

Hopscotch and cat's cradle... what else?  Handball, the best game in the universe and your fists are red and smell like burnt rubber after.  And I'm the queen of sliceys.

Chelsea and I put our All4One cd into our boombox and blast "I swear" while playing the Nintendo game where you shoot ducks (hindsight, what a violent concept) and Sega Genesis, Sonic the Hedgehog of course.  And what about Fruit Roll-Ups and Gushers and Corn Nuts?  We get the variety pack of Corn Nuts and the ranch flavor is the best and the original is the worst, and for some reason, eating a package of Corn Nuts makes your mouth really warm.

For countless recess marriages, I am granted the privilege of being maid of honor.  There's one marriage in particular where Fawcett, the girl who's named after a household appliance, marries a chocolate bar.  The service is very emotional and the reception is out of this world. 

We raise villages of sea monkeys and, one day, my best friend spills one of our thriving communities all over herself.  As she stands outside in the sun, dead colonies of sea monkeys drying into her floral frock, she sobs uncontrollably.  (Chelsea and I still have yet to forgive the stupid bitch.)

And tamagotchis, where I realize that I'm cruel and press the punishment button a lot.  And furbies too, after years of abandonment in the garage, the batteries still work and the little creature opens its eyes and talks to you when you walk by.  Chia pets also.

And Sanrio, those flexible pencils and flavored erasers.  Sleep-overs where girls chant "Bloody Mary" in the bathroom, lights turned off, and then try to defy gravity with "light as a feather, stiff as a board."

And the funniest interactive joke in the world: Spell PIG backwards and then say funny.

Summer camp with counselors who have white sun-blocked noses.  Roller blades and hair wraps and turtlenecks with french braids.  Legends of the Hidden Temple and Salute Your Shorts and Strawberry Shortcake and Ninja Turtles.  In the hot sun, you suck Otter pops out of a narrow plastic tube and it makes you cough.